Self Love: On the Path to Belonging
“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.” ~Brené Brown #thegiftsofimperfection •
I think it’s finally time for me to get over my fear of the dark (and not just get OVER it but really get INTO it, sit in it, get comfortable in it, embrace it). It is truly the only way to find the courage to be my real, wild, authentic self.
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Today I had a breakthrough. I had just finished a conference call #mastermind meeting with some amazing health coach friends and was feeling super motivated. I headed out for a bike ride to try to organize all the exciting ideas that were spinning around in my head. Before I left, my husband snapped a picture of me. I was smiling. I was happy. I was energized. I was feeling unstoppable…….until I looked at that photo.
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“Yuck- I’m SO fat!” – I said as I looked at the picture and saw nothing except belly sticking out. Jon said, “It doesn’t matter HOW you looked in that picture, you were ALWAYS gonna say that.” He’s right, actually. I was always gonna say that. Hard truth, but my response: “Well, it’s true! I just look so FAT!”
And then, I was given some much needed wisdom from the man that I love with all of my being, the man who loves me more than I’ve allowed myself to love me, the person who saw in that photo the joy on my face- the smile that others tell me is contagious- and not the “belly fat” that filled me with disgust. He said: “Well who really cares how you LOOK; how do you FEEL?!?”
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Wow! I rode off thinking “damn it, he’s right again ”. The truth is I FELT great! I felt excited. I felt confident. I felt supported. I felt eager and ready to serve others.
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I kept riding along the bike trail thinking, WHY am I so hung up on body image? Why can’t I let go of this perfectionistic ideal? Why I am equating worth with some arbitrary picture of female beauty? Why can’t I look at myself and see the joyful and contagious smile that everyone else sees? Why!?!?
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I could FEEL myself frowning as I was deep in thought. (And I HATE frowning). So, I purposefully smiled. REALLY smiled! Big, hard, child-like cheesing smile! And then I stuck my phone onto selfie mode and snapped some smiling #selfies for good measure. All of the sudden I was feeling SO good again. I pedaled on and noticed the butterflies floating among the flowers (I felt intuitively that they were a sign of good fortune and abundance ), I noticed the trees along the trail that seemed to hug me as I rode , I noticed an empty bench in a quiet field among a patch of wildflowers and I stopped to write.
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And then it all came rushing out of me. Why I won’t write my story, why I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable, why I can’t look at myself and be happy……….
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I began to write whatever came out of my heart and it was liberating. I realized that I had stopped allowing myself to feel love for myself. And I wanted to know why. I realized that I was afraid to go into the dark and remember why.
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It’s gonna take some time for me to get comfortable here. Bear with me as I find my way. I believe in the healing power of connectedness, in the freedom of being vulnerable. I know I can better serve those who need me by sharing my own journey. I’ve got some great people on my side, giving me the space to open up and be fearless
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Today, it’s about LOVE, real love, courageous love, self love. This is just the beginning………..
Posted onAugust 12, 2018Leave a commenton Self Love: On the Path to Belonging